Untitled story WIP

1

Somewhere in my mind, is the answer. The truth. The beginning, and how we got here.

Here.

Here, is somewhere I never thought I would be. Standing on top of the ocean water, one hundred yards from shore.
The people look like little flakes of nothing, and I definitely can’t hear their nonsense anymore.

Night is falling. Lights come on behind the flecks standing on the horizon, soon to disappear. I see a star and Coldplays ‘Yellow’ starts playing in my head. I expect it may stay that way for days. Possibly even weeks.

Oh, Anemone… My poor lost Anemone. Is she a star? A blade of grass?  Infinite  particles of air spread over the whole of the earth? Dark matter? Mere sustenance for the creeping, slithering things passing through the ground of our tree?

Our tree.

I remember it fondly, majestic oak that it was, standing tall for who knew how long. I suppose were I not walking out over the ocean, and away from them both I could go get s core sample from the ruined stump, but… I am.

I am.and were I not I may never have left that space again really…

Oh, Anemone. Why did you have to go?
..though… I suppose I already know, why. But I also know that done-bun-cant-be-undone… No sir, not at ALL.

God, not at all… not ever again. And it was all my fault.
All my fault… I think.

See… That’s where things get fuzzy. Sometimes… Ok, most, times, I don’t know what happened at all. Other times, I get these dark fuzzy flashes. Sometimes I have dreams… They’re the worst, really, because, in the dreams its five years ago, and everything is as it should be.

Onyx is barking in the yard, Joey is joking with my dad about going punch for punch… Playing ‘open chest’, they called it. They never hit each other, it was all ostentatious show-boating nonsense. Generally in good fun. Unless there was drinking involved. But thats not the point, I digress into my own maelstrom.

In the dream, the sun was shining in through the high windows, I could smell the summer or fall breeze blowing… And then my phone chirps, and its Anemone, texting ‘come find me…’

She was at the oak, of course, and my body was turned towards the door before my phone was even in my pocket again.

Next thing I know there we are laughing and chasing each other about. I remember the way the sun used to reflect off her brown irises, turning them a most supreme hazel, when she would look over her shoulder to see how close behind I was, her brown hair flying everywhere, her laughs echoing in the openness, til it hit…stuff.

Then I catch her, and we make love under the tree. It is beautiful. Like she is beautiful. Was, beautiful…

And suddenly a she put her hand up to my face to look in my eyes and tell me how mUch she loves me, it all turns white… And I wake up on the cold dirty cement again, in. the dark. No dog. No windows. No joey. Just… The damp. The dark. And the unexplainable, empty, soul-vacuum-bottomless and immeasurable ouch, that is the realization, that it was all a dream.

The first second where it all comes back to me is like a black hole, sucking out every speck of joy I ever had or will have, and pumping in the most unbelievable dread, and sadness.

There is no sleep after that. Not for along long time. Days, sometimes. But then! Its right back into the dream, and the cycle begins anew.

But nevermind all that for now…

I only want to watch the fish…

2

The fish could only hold my eye for a while… I,keep seeimg the white flash of my daydream. Where,her face faded… She told me once that after shed climbed the stairs to our tiny apartment one summer or spring day, I curse myself for not knowing which, she had opened the door and seen me standing there holding one of our cats, named Sunny, another abandoned victim of my careless life… But I digress. She came in and saw me standing there in a white tshirt and white trousers, and she said with the way the sun haloed behind me… That she had never seen something so beautiful… Sometimes I wonder if wherevef she is she still remembers me that way… Before the fall…

God I miss her.
I kept telling myself that all I wanted was a normal life. So why couldnt I have just done that? Why did I have to destroy everything, all the time….

Why do I do that…
God, why do I do that…..,

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